Special Delivery
by Moon Fever
Summary: Sirius and Remus are exchanging letters during GoF, watch as their letters change from innocent to obscene, serious and offensive. A little weird...


Disclaimer: Nah-nah-nah I don't own anyone! Nah-nah-nah

Authors Notes: A collection of letters that 'could' have cross between Sirius and Remus during GoF.

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Dear Sirius,

Hey, Sirius, where are you? You can always stay at my place, have you been keeping contact with Harry? If you have been keeping in contact with Harry and not me then you can conclude that I am offended. Actually, no I'm not. 

I'm just missing you.

Remus

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Dearest Remus,

Sorry, I can't tell you where I am...or those dementors will find me, just in case someone intercepts this owl. But, then again of course you're not scared of dementors. Yes, I've been contacting Harry and signs have been telling me things aren't as peaceful as they were. You've surely picked up on the signs? Harry needs me at the moment, things are definitely suspicious. Maybe you should keep a close watch on Harry too. If you're offended, then I'm sorry. I can't really pick up on your 'jokes' too well...

Awww...I miss you too...

Snuffles

****

Dear 'Snuffles'

What do you mean you couldn't pick up my 'jokes'? Are you suggesting they're dry? Well, if so then I'm officially offended. Congratulations. 

No, I can't go back to Hogwarts to watch over Harry, as much as I want to...I don't want to risk the other students. You remember what happened last year, surely! I nearly took all of their lives last year and I gave you those injuries. Snuffles, I can't go back! 

I'm picking up the signs, I know too well what you're meaning. Be assured that Dumbledore is keeping contact with me too. 

I hope you're having a good time finding food. Remember, my place is always open to you.

Remus

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Oh Remus,

Food? FOOD? Yes, I'm starving and I've resorted to eating the delicacies of dear Peter's family. Rat one was called "Peter", Rat 2 was christened "Pete", Rat three was known as "Peter the rotten scoundrel who betrayed us all"

And I enjoyed them all...every single morsal. Oh, yes and Harry has been assisting me with sufficient food for Buckbeak and I. Don't you worry, there are many rats in this world.

Remus, you fool! That was only once, though I must admit you gave me a rather unique scar. Go on, Remus. I'm sure Dumbledore would gladly welcome you back. He trusts you...don't be worried that he doesn't. 

Ooohh...and regarding your 'officially offended' statement, I must also congratulate myself. Yes, admittedly some of your 'jokes' were amusing in an unamusing way. 

Remember this? 

Over enthusiastic Remus: Oh guess what?! *high pitched feminine giggle*

Sober, serious Sirius: What is it Remus *said in manly gruff way*

High excited, twitchy Remus: I have a joke! *giggle*

Handsome, thoughtful Sirius: Oh, how wonderful. Proceed.

Almost hysterical Remus: Why was 6 crying? *muffled laughter*

Composed, elegant Sirius: Oh, no Remus. Why was 6 crying? *insert polite smile*

Ready to explode with suppressed tension Remus: Cos, seven eight nine! *hysterical laughter, accentuated with snorts*

Politely amused Sirius: Pardon?

Beyond description Remus: Seven eight nine! * "Quiet Down Lupin!" - McGonagall *

Enlightened Sirius : Oh...Seven Ate Nine...how...clever

Crestfallen Remus: Why aren't you laughing?

Highly wary of Remus, Sirius: Oh, I assure you I am...

That's how I saw it. Isn't it wonderfully accurate? My memory should be commended for!

Good day to you, Mr Moony.

Padfoot

****

Dear Snuffles,

SIIRIUS! That was not how it went! I don't 'snort' when I laugh, I don't even have a high pitched 'giggle', and what's with all this self praise for yourself?! Oh, and the rats? My god man, that is a very sick revenge! Those rats were innocent, there's 1 in a trillion chance that they'll be Peter. Why do you have Buckbeak? I thought he flew away...unless...no, impossible. You never told me how you escaped. Oh, thank you Sirius, I'm still fuming over that delightful situation you wrote. Now it's my turn to write something insulting and childish to you!

There once was a naive boy called Sirius Black, who amidst his few friends and the whole of Hogwarts was renown as being the 'trouble' maker. The trouble maker once had a run in with another boy, a sadistic little blighter called Severus Snape.

The naive and troublesome Sirius, decided upon himself to punch the satanic Severus in the nose, and behold when he did. All hell broke loose, Severus' almighty nose was broken, Sirius' poor fist was spread with blood. And the two immature boys were sentenced to detention each. While in detention, Sirius was caught flirting with a little girl known as Lily, who at the time was being courted by James Potter, who coincidentally at the time was Sirius' best friend.

The little girl was not in detention for being a trouble maker, oh no. She was a prefect, assigned to supervise over the load of annoying gits. She was affronted to have Sirius Black flirt over her and when he escaped his 704th detention, he had a rather inflated ego. Though, this was quickly pricked when Severus, in a way of revenge, told James of this incident. James was highly unamused whilst the all knowing, mature Remus stalked around the background. Murmuring to dear little Sirius 'I told you so' as James walloped Sirius with his broomstick.

Mr Moony.

PS: I Gave you a scar? What a lovely tribute!

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Dear Mr Moony:

Mr Padfoot suggests you stick your overgrown head into the ground where innocent bystanders will be spared from the ugly fate of your face.

****

Dear My Padfoot:

Mr Moony has the feeling that Mr Padfoot is insulted. In other words, Mr Moony is delighted that Mr Padfoot is offended. 

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Mr Moony the stupid blighter:

Mr Padfoot would like to acknowledge how someone as aged as Mr Moony can resort to childish activities as thus. Mr Padfoot would like to remind Mr Moony that he is now an adult, who is responsible for his own actions. Also, the world is in peril, though Mr Moony just thinks it's a bit of fun. It seems our letters have gone off a tangent...

Mr Padfoot sends his love along with a few of Peter the Rats remains. Enjoy!

****

SIRIUS!!

That is absolutely disgusting! I was absolutely delighted to see you've sent me a package, but alas, when I opened it I was horrified! Rat remains? Mementos of your last meal? I fear to comment on the current state of your mentality!

Yes, I agree we've moved off tangent...now Harry, you're still watching over him aren't you? IF I COME BACK TO SEE HARRY IN FEAR OF YOU I WILL PERSONALLY SEND YOU TO A 'HEAD' DOCTOR

(That was a joke)

Send me something other then dead animal remains next time.

Remus

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Remus is a tarty man whore,

Dearest Remus, I see you did enjoy my well thought of present, I'm extremely grateful. You're jokes are becoming of a higher standard. This time I actually snorted at the irony of your creative joke. On a serious note, I must implore to you that Harry is fine, yes, he is still meeting me occasionally, and no he doesn't wear an expression of fear whenever I approach him. The last Tri-Wizard event is happening soon, will you come view it? Or are you still scared you'll turn into a big bad wolf and blow everyone down? Things are coming to an apex, Dumbledore is fully aware and he insists that we all keep contact.

Love from Sirius the Serious

****

Dear Snuffles,

No, I won't come...not because of the risk of me 'blowing everyone down' but Dumbledore has sent me other instructions that will come into place should anything suspicious happen.

Also, why am I a tarty man whore? How crude!

Don't you worry, I'm keeping my ears out for anything strange.

Remus

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End file.
